dom·i·na·tion/ˌdäməˈnāSHən/
Noun: The exercise of control or influence over someone or something, or the state of being so controlled.
sub·mis·sion/səbˈmiSHən/
Noun: The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another entity.
But…but…where’s the part about the collars and cuffs and beatings and “Yes Sir” and/or “Yes Mistress?”
There is none. Free your mind. Get over it.
D/s has NOTHING to do with sex. Or leather. Or whippings. Or “On your knees NOW!”
Now you can apply it to those kinks. Many do, to the point that the term is synonymous with the like. Of course it is. When one person submits to another inevitably that power structure will be exploited to vices, perversions and pleasures of the flesh. Its simple human nature. Every single advent in the human race will, as soon at it is developed, be applied to sex in one way, shape or form. The internet is a beautiful example. Perhaps our society’s greatest achievement and the fact you are reading a blog dedicated to BDSM right now on it?
I rest my case.
Domination is just that. As is submission. The hardest core Dominant submits all the time in day-to-day life, and probably has no idea they are doing so. Think about these:
How often does your checkbook balance Top your desires and forces itself on you? It’s just a ledger of paper fill with binary code and arbitrary, hand written phrases. Yet it Dominates the lives of trillions of people every second of every day.
Do you have a pet? Ever sift a litter box or scoop steaming piles of dog shit off a lawn or a public setting? Think about what you just did. Who is whose bitch then?
I bet you work. You likely have a boss. Hopefully you have customers. How many times a day do either or both of them dictate exactly what you are going to do, when you are going to do it and how often? That wording sound familiar to you perverts who peruse the darker blogs and aspects of sexuality? How often does “Glenn on Line 1” rule your world? Who the fuck is Glenn? I’ll tell you. He’s your Top for that moment, that aspect of your life. As is the person who, if you don’t do as Glenn wants, will no longer sign your paychecks…
…that you record in your checkbook…
…that you use to buy more cat litter…
…to replace the piss soaked boxful you had to change before you left to go to work and do what Glenn wants….or else.
See?
People submit all the fucking time. They also Dominate every day. And its a beautiful thing. Thank Who or Whomever or Whatever you believe in for it. Because it keeps you whole. It balances the scales. It allows submissives to be Dominant without knowing it as well as Tops to service assholes with a smile.
Now granted the D/s dynamic most of us accept has nothing to do with the above. Or does it? D/s, in its stereotypical definition, can be pushed to a true 24/7/365 Master/slave relationship. But within lies the paradox. Envision the power brokers of society, the politicians, business CEOs, banking heads. Could be male or female, makes no difference. Their worlds are filled with people telling them “yes” all the fucking time. So it comes as no surprise to often read about these same people willing, no, needing to paying huge ass sums of money to a professional Dom or Madam to be treated as dirt. And the beautiful part? That dishwasher or janitor during the light of day may be the one who gets to tell those millionaires what to do, when to do it, how to do it, why and how often.
It’s a dance. A beautiful fucking dance whose climax can be when two souls consent to submit to and Control the other. It’s as deep a love as I can comprehend. Leigh and I are experiencing a 2nd courtship as a result of not just BDSM but more specifically the Trust, Communication and Love it generates. But to limit the definition of that dance to one set of steps to one kind of music is, to me, foolhardy and selling it way short.
Embrace the opportunities to balance your scales. You’ll be a much better submissive and Dominant for your dance partner when you tango with leather gags and orgasm denial in the dark.
– Scot
The Dom Next Door 
I also liken it to a dance. The mental jousting aspect and the physical play that comes along with.
The most beautiful dance ever. Totally agree.
This answers one of my many questions. Not long ago, I read 50 Shades (or rather skimmed the good parts) which prompted me to research BDSM and its various permutations which led me to this blog. I’ve been married for 15 years. I want that second courtship. I want to explore a different side of who we are, individually and together, and I saw the potential for that in the D/s relationship. I’m glad to hear that I was on the right track.
Gina,
Thank you so much for sharing that. I cannot convey what words, thoughts and insights that you shared mean to Leigh & I. This is exactly what TDND™ is for and about – breaking stereotypes, glass ceilings and stone walls.
We were there. Right there. Please keep us posted on how your sojourn goes.
Scot
At this point, we are taking it slow, finding and pressing the limits we presupposed. Honestly, we could probably move faster if my immediate response to being told what to do wasn’t outright defiance. “Yes, sir,” might always be uttered through gritted teeth. But it has been a lot of fun so far.
Funny story. We just finished putting together the ping pong table in the basement. Both of us looked down at the rubberized paddles and thought hmmmm . . . . 😉
Take it slow. Samurai swords are slowly hearted to cherry red (heh) then pounded (heh) over and over. Too fast the steel shatters like glass. Too slow and its dull and soft. But done just right it will produce a sword capable of slicing a human in half with a single stroke.
Perhaps talk with each other as to why you are being so defiant? Its a leap of Faith into the abyss.
My favorite part about this part: finally putting that semester of phonetics to use! 😛
On a more serious note, great post, as always. 🙂
Tempted to reply with the phonetic version of “Thank You” but….
Nothing I’ve thought about before. Good point.
Many haven’t. I hear all the time about how “I submit to no one” or “I have no desire to Top” when in reality everyone does both all the time. Its all good.
Exactly to all of your post. 🙂
I’ve explained the D/s dynamic to vanilla folks…more times than I like… and I always relate it to things they can see. I use the pet example, too, but make them be the Top (training their dog). Or, I ask them to tell me, if they had to choose, who would be the dominant person in their closest friendship.
D/s is all around us! yay!
Thanks! And yay! as well. Yes it is all around us. A lot of Doms & subs would refute and scoff at my notions, but that does not change the fact that they both do the opposite of what their roles are in a stereotypical D/s relationship.
Excellent post, Scot. This brings to mind something I wrote back in October … “I see a leader, any leader, as the ultimate servant. Therefore, I see the Dominant or Master as serving the relationship. Does this mean they are submissive? No. A submissive serves by yielding to their Dom/Master. Does it mean they are serving their submissive/slave? Yes, insofar as it is required in order to fulfill the needs of the sub/slave because a Dom/Master serves by leading. But, what is service really. Merriam-Webster has the definition, “contribution to the welfare of others.” Is this not what the Dom/Master does? I would say whole heartedly they contribute to the welfare of their sub/slave.”
(http://gilliancolbert.wordpress.com/2011/10/14/power-exchange-or-symbiosis/)
Thanks Gillian. Our sentiments echo each other. Many bristle at the thought of their white being Black and Vice versa. Oh well…
My entire life (work, school, etc.,) I feel I’ve been a dominant. However relationship wise, I want my lover to tell me what they want and push me to their liking. I want to praise my lover and give him what he needs. I have never understood myself why I liked to be in that kind of situation until I knew someone in the BDSM lifestyle.
Your blog entry proves to me that there is a D/s inside each and everyone of us.
Love this entry so much.
Thank you so much for first your kind words but more importantly sharing yourself. Yes, D/s is everywhere. Everyone has an inner Dom or sub. Its just “how” they are “fed” that differentiates the two. Ying and yang. Black and white. All in balance. That’s why its a power exchange. Each feeds.