An Open Letter To The Frustrated Submissive Wife’s Husband

When I wrote An Open Letter To The Frustrated Submissive Wife I had no idea it would become one of the most popular page views on the blog. It was in response to not just a direct question from a Peeker™ via email but also, by a landslide, the most commonly used keyword search theme that finds TDND™.

It did not occur to me at the time that the frustrated submissive wife would ask her husband to read either that or other posts in The Archives. I know that the overwhelming majority of Peekers™ are female, which is cool. I also acknowledge that blogs like ours are, by all accounts, rare. Not many Sirs who are also Mr. to their Mrs. write. You hear about them all the time via their doll’s (that’s the term I use for Leigh so it’s what I am comfortable saying) blog posts, but never get to interact with them, read their thoughts, see their feelings first hand, etc. It’s always from her view, her recollection, her interpretation.

As I and Peeker™ Nation both learned throughout the drama that was the Torn saga (especially when Leigh interjected her own feelings and views) was that my perceived reality and Leigh’s couldn’t have been more different. It was an extremely valuable, albeit  emotionally and spiritually tortuous, lesson. But now learned, I am in a much better place to admit to myself that there are parts of my psyche that are just plain vile, perverted and sadistic…and that Leigh loves when I let who/what/it I know refer to as Hyde come out to play. The links on that page offer more insight.

Combine all the aforementioned and this is what I would like to say to you, her current guy and potential Sir:

To the Husband Of A Frustrated Submissive Wife,

I know exactly how you feel. Trust me, I was there.

Oh sure, some husbands just take to Dominating their wives likes ducks to water. But I’ll bet that you and I are the norms rather than the exception. To be completely upfront yes, it was my idea to start all of what you can read about in The Archives. But, based on my brief experiences sharing WIITWD…

Oh, that’s What It Is That We Do, a common BDSM acronym. You’ll learn more about that in time and so much more if you listen very closely to what I am about to share with you.

Remember her? You know, the woman who eventually became your Mrs.? Think back to the very first months or year of that courtship. Smiling evilly right now? Good! You should be. She was something back then, huh? Amazing sex on draft whenever you wanted it. Everything tasted better when you two went out on dinner dates. The music that you danced and did all sorts of naughty things to are still etched into your memory as a soundtrack of Life’s Greatest Hits. More than likely she was thinner then, obviously younger, and the mere sight and thought of you made her head spin, heart pound and pussy drip.

Perhaps there were no gray hairs yet, or if you are blessed with children what pregnancy, childbirth and raising infants can do to the female anatomy, let alone mentality.

And I bet you were kinky, or at least tried kinky shit. Sex someplace other than the bedroom is kinky. So are simple blindfolds made when you almost took her teddy off all the way. Or that time you pinned her arms down when you both were in the throes of an amazing quickie. Or how could you forget caving into that temptation to CRACK her doggy style arched ass while you fucked her into the Tuesday of next week…and she liked it.

But Time waits for no one. You now have responsibilities, perhaps a family. Those little people running around your house are demanding. You are both heavier, stressed, no longer each other’s focal point, maybe even starting to gray. And that’s OK. You take care of things, which she may not say as much but loves when you do so. Bonus points if it’s without being asked.

Sex is now mundane, perhaps even predictable. Hey, with the mortgage due and the transmission acting up its understandable. Bills, meals, yard work, the kid’s practices, can’t forget the job and all that stress.

Am I hitting home yet?

And, now to top all of this off, the woman who wears your ring wants you to not just take her sexually but even use her that way in what you think is a perverted manner. Roughly. Violently. Tied up and helpless. Made to beg to orgasm, then thank you for the privilege. Spanked to the point of tears, then fucked raw.

Maybe she wants to be forced to do things that even she finds humiliating and degrading. She saw this video online of this poor girl who was made to….

…and all the while you are thinking “WHO the fuck is this woman?”

For years she has been your equal partner (who am I kidding? She runs this show!). You were taught your whole life to be respectful, courteous, treat women with kid gloves. You love her more than anything and would never hurt a hair on her head, lat alone even think about raising your hand to her.

She’s your wife. Your lover. Carried your babies for you. Your best friend in the whole world. She balances the checkbook, buys the groceries, makes the meals, takes the kids everywhere like a fucking taxi, worries about how she looks, has her own job worries and issues…and wonders if you still feel the same way about her as you did when you first dated.

Pulse racing a little? Getting a little warm, or even pissed?


That means fuck yes you do care! If by now you’re still cold as stone inside do us both a favor and stop reading this. You have bigger issues to resolve than the fact that your wife wants to be your slut and you her Sir. But, if your face is slightly flushed and you’re using your selective male hearing because you’re so focused, listen very closely:

D/s (that’s Domination and submission) can bring “her” back. And not for the reasons you think.

Yes, the incredible “that only happens in pornography” sex will help. But in order to do WIITWD you need to communicate openly and freely. You need to respect any limits she has. That’s not to say you can’t push them, but you will respect them. Trust is crucial. It’s the riverbed communication flows over.

What is going to happen is that everything it takes to Dominate your wife, especially BDSM, will spill over into every other aspect of your now dull, predictable married lives. She, for everything else in your lives she makes decisions on and about, wants to not just NOT do that in the bedroom but completely made to do whatever it is YOU want. And I mean whatever.

She wants to have an affair. She wants to cheat on her husband. She thinks about another man constantly, one that will do the most heinously perverted things to her, in her, on her, with her and for her.


She wants to cheat on her husband with her own spouse.

And don’t tell me you haven’t had the same kind of feelings. You’ve looked. We all do. So does she. But what if you could have a torrid affair and she not only knew about it but gave you her blessing as well?

You can. With your wife.

The Trust and Communication that flows out of D/s will blow the ashes off the embers forged during the infancy of your relationship, the same embers you thought were long cold and dead.

They’re not. They never die. Time and all its allies will heap a mountain of ash called Life and Reality on top of them, but they never stopped glowing. You may have grown colder, as did she, but the fire still remained.

D/s and BDSM, specifically what it takes to embrace them, will not just blow away all those ashes but restoke those embers to the inferno you remember burning in your and her eyes when you first dated.

You hold the key, or should I say rope and paddle, in your hands. What you do with it is up to you.

Now if you excuse me I feel an overwhelming desire to sext my wife. I cannot wait to see her eyes, kiss her lips, hold her tight and let our own rekindled flames burn brighter.

I love you Leigh.

– Scot

15 responses to “An Open Letter To The Frustrated Submissive Wife’s Husband

  1. Well Scot…I did try to rekindle that ember with the soon to be ex, it just wasn’t her thing and amongst other things it proved insurmountable. But my life is mine again and I am embracing who I am . Thanks for sharing so much about the both of you, it is eye opening and greatly appreciated.

  2. I read this post twice. Then I went back and read the Open Letter to Wife twice. I think I might have thoughts that will go in an entirely different direction than others who are posting/reading.

    First, I truly admire your desire to help them both.

    Second, All relationships are based on communication and trust. Every single one. And I think Frustrated Submissive Wife might need to fix Frustrated Wife before tackling the submissive part. I am not privy to the details, but it just seems that Frustrated and said Husband aren’t letting each other know what they need. I think effective communication may give her want she wants. After all, she may think he doesn’t care…he may think that she is submitting as a fad and the second he gets rough with her she will change her mind.

    Changing the dynamic of your relationship requires more that just a grey trilogy and some kinky websites.

    Just my opinion 🙂

    • I agree with your assessments on relationship bases. I will also completely disagree on your thoughts about the wife needing to fix herself.

      She is admitting she needs help, wants help and is looking for that help from her husband to explore an aspect of herself. She is communicating. And if some books or blogs gave her the courage to broach the subject…great!

      Your reply has “might need to”, “seems” and “may ” a few times. I could argue the exact opposite opinion your offer using those exact words to communicate my views. Its just a matter of which side of the dynamic one wants to see.

      Your opinion is very valid and welcome here. Others may agree, some may not, which means we are all communicating. Which is what you spoke so passionately about….regardless of which side we fall on. I’d give them the same opportunity. 🙂

  3. I apologize if I gave the impression I thought she needed to fix herself. That wasn’t my intent at all.

    My language seems pensive because I I merely read the excerpts from her email that posted and when I did…I saw a different side. She doesn’t need to fix herself…they need to fix their relationship.

    And here is where I disagree with you 🙂 I don’t think she is effectively communicating IMHO. She mentions she wants him to take control. Did she tell him how? I love my husband, but sometimes if I don’t spell it out, it doesn’t get done. But I know that’s how I have to communicate with him. Years of marriage have taught me that gem lol.

    However someone chooses to get their information is their business. You have to take into account that sometimes, people don’t have your best interest at heart. And asking advice is always a great way to learn, but it’s not always applicable to your situation. And if you aren’t talking to your partner, it becomes knowledge you can’t even put to use.

    In the end, I feel badly for them both and I hope they both get what makes them happy.

    • Thank you for the clarification. I do not know if “control” was expounded on with detail and to that I completely agree. Yes, they need to work together to rediscover each other as well as learn new things so far into their journey. This is why I think WIITWD is such a good idea. It forces communication to embrace it, practice it and utilize it. That in the afterglow manifests every where else in the relationship.

      I hope they get there too.

      • I slightly disagree again…but at the risk of a friend I introduced to your blog figuring out this is me…I want to avoid the threat of being tied to a chair.

        That man and his rope!


  4. Sigh….eloquent, romantic, wonderful…making me wish I had this when my marriage was ending…..but maybe it will help someone else. Trying not to be sad Scot…but darn this struck a nerve again. *heavy sigh*

  5. It’s for writing like this that I do so love your work. While I’m not trying to be Mrs. AP’s Sir — nor is she trying to be my Miss — we still need to remember that communication bit as we work things out. And sometimes I need to be better at seeing instead of relying too much on hearing and notice those body signals that indicate she just needs me to take command.

    You’re a wise man, Scot. Thank you for being in and helping with my corner of the community.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

  6. Comment to Leigh: Does reading your husbands words make you swoon? I mean seriously – girl, you’re so lucky!
    Comment to Scot: As always well said! That’s why I always send my husband links to read your stuff.

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