Welcome to the Spinal Tap edition of IWASV™. We’ve gone to eleven.
If that first sentence has you scratching you head, I feel for you. You probably also think Stonehenge is more than a foot tall.
It’s amazing to sit here not even three months into the journey and think back on it all. When I approached Leigh that fateful May evening with the idea, I had no fucking idea that it would become what it has, what it is, and what the cards the Fates hold for our future may be.
Our lives have changed, and all for the better. We’re having torrid affairs with each other’s spouse. Communication flows, hands hold, orgasms multiply, eyes flirt, shit gets done, asses (well, her ass) get blistered. Its been a second courtship. And all because of what has transpired outside the bedroom as a result of what it takes to perspire behind its closed door safely, sanely and consensually.
A heartfelt thanks to the kinky, perverted minions that make up Peeker™ Nation.
This week’s question is courtesy of Peeker™ and naughty romance author Jodie Griffin. She is one of the most avid of my Twitter Followers. If you are not Following along there, please consider it. I’m much more laid back in 140 character bites. Anyway, Jodie wanted to know:
“Leigh has limits. Do you? And have you ever safe-worded out of / stopped a scene because you thought Leigh was too far gone to make that decision herself?”
Wow, what a great question(s) Jodie! Have to put on my TDND™ thinking cap for this. Its cool, even has a lil’ propeller on top.
I do have limits. And yes, I use the same safe words Leigh does. Have I used them? No. But I have them.
What? A Dominant with safe words? What the fuck is that? Why would a Dominant have to safe word out of a scene? Plenty of reasons.
First, and I have made no secret of how I feel about this, a Dominant who does not believe in or allow safe words is nothing more than a bully. Period. They are deciding what is and is not a limit for their submissive. That’s not a D/s dynamic, that is not SSC.
It’s not a power exchange, but rather a power theft. And like most bullies, they are afraid. Afraid of one fucking, little word, a word that very often never gets used, if ever. Just its existence is threatening. Now I am not condoning the use of safe words as a means to “ride the breaks” in a scene. Constant use of Yellow is not going to benefit either party in the long run, plus it is in essence Topping from the bottom. But allowing the Dominant to decide what is and is not enough is ridiculous. That is why you have the fucking safe word, and not for the obvious reason you may think.
Of course there is the opportunity for abuse, but I would be more concerned about the opposite in not pushing the submissive far enough. Deciding for them when they have had enough? What if they wanted, could handle and expected a lot more, and you as the non-safe word using Dominant stopped short?
Of course you communicate, but really? Asking them mid scene if they want to continue is no fucking different from them saying Yellow. As a matter of fact, that is exactly what that is – Dominant Yellow. That is why you have the safe word. This way you can just go, do, be, feel, react, flow, exchange, dominate, submit and live in the moment know that one little word means “I need to talk with you.”
I just don’t get it. But I have always preached TETO (To Each There Own).
The thought of safe wording out during Torn did cross my mind. But I can now thank the actual fucking existence of safe words for being the reason I did not. Leigh did not safe word. I knew she had it and she had ample opportunity to say it hundreds of times. She did not, although she did beg me to stop. Was she lying right then, spewing false emotions, not being honest?
Fuck. No. She was ragged, in my view basically being raped.
I pushed her to her limits, but more so pushed myself beyond what mine were at that time in our D/s dynamic. As a result we both shared an amazing intense experience that has made me a much better Sir to her. It allowed her to live the scene to its fullest, complete with verbal release matching her physical and emotional distress.
Aside from the obvious of having my soul forged hotter and harder in the furnace of the moment, we really communicated afterward. Two entire evenings were devoted to just talking about what had transpired from my vantage point. And now we both have a better understanding of what to expect and demand from each other. I know what she can take and give, she knows that I will take it and give it back in spades. We exchange as mutual partners, equals in the dynamic, each respecting what each other brings. She respects my authority and demands, I respect her hard limits…and her safe word.
As far as a checklist of what I would consider my hard limits, I could easily copy and paste any of the multitude of such lists easily found online. But my answering 200 questions (yes, 200 potential hard limits) with one of ten different answers….well, I don’t view our D/s dynamic as a SAT test style checklist. I know there are certain perversions and fetishes that neither of us have any fucking interest in exploring at all. TETO.
And as for those that may be “Curious” (like her recent initial foray into public exhibitionism and proclivity), well I guess you will have to wait and see how the next nine months unfold to read all about it.