In the shadow cast by a certain neutral hued book series I think its fair to say that BDSM and D/s are not only at an all-time zenith as far as interest but also acceptance. Yes, say what you will about the reason for it, but as I have already gone on record “a rising tide floats all boats.”
But be warned – the waters are deep, dark and below the surface sharks circle, waiting for the schools of “inexperienced yet curious females” to swim with grey colored glasses on right into their waiting jaws.
I have no doubts that various websites devoted to WIITWD are seeing all-time records in memberships. I also have no doubt that the overwhelming majority of the people on these are there for the right reasons.
But, sadly, I also have no doubt that sharks posing as Dominants circle and wait. And flirt. Flatter. Say all the right things. Use the best bait to reel in that cute little inexperienced yet curious fish.
In that I am fortunate enough to have as my wife, soul mate and best friend a D/s BDSM doll to play with I do not have to worry about any of the above. Many whose blogs I Follow are in the same boat (see how I tied this all together, and even used tied to describe my cleverness?) in that they too are married.
But for many they need to actively search for a playmate. Which is fine. I hope all those who are curious and inexperienced can discover, learn, share, enjoy and experience all the beauty of D/s and BDSM.
But not at the price of one single fucking teardrop shed in actual, honest fear. Not worth it.
And I do not mean fear as is being afraid of the unknown that is their true self. Truth be told I wish them a river of release that way. No, what I mean are tears that flow as the result of being fucking afraid for their well being and, sadly, maybe their lives.
Not worth it. Period.
So, for those of you who have accounts on these sites and may be in the midst of a digital exchange that makes you feel alive, an exchange that someday you want to become flesh and blood, in person, in some hotel room over a weekend of lust and perversion, I implore, no beg of you, to PLEASE not just have a safety plan but also this:
An “unsafe word.”
First, your plan. Let’s look at this from the outside. You are about to meet a stranger to whom you are going to offer your body, mind and soul to do with they wish, however they wish. Odds are this will likely involve binding you physically defenseless, sightless and unable to speak.
Think real fucking hard about that last sentence.
You have established in writing what your hard limits are. You’ve also established a safe word to use, which if uttered ends all activities NOW. And for gag play you also have a clear and precise safe hand motion. Leigh and I use pinkies to thumbs.
You have told a dear friend or family member where you are going to be, how long you are going to be there, and established with them that they can either call you or you them at predetermined times to assure your safety and well being. If these calls are not made on time, your call buddy is to contact the local authorities IMMEDIATELY with your location, car make, license plate, etc.
And make sure your Top to be knows about this. If they balk at it, do not go. Simple as that. It’s a hard limit.
I’d even go so far as to ask of the person who is about to Dominate you in person to allow you to snap a cell phone pic of their license plate. If they balk, leave. Now. You are trusting them with your most prized possession – you. If they do not trust you with some simple information, leave. Now. It is all about trust, remember?
And one final thing. Have an “unsafe word”.
Tell your call buddy this word. Make it something very plain, something that could be used in simple conversation, something that would not draw attention. Do NOT tell anyone else. Ever. Only you two know this word.
When you check in via phone you now have a way to convey a 911 message to your friend without drawing attention. Example – make up a child’s name. Perhaps you say “Give (Unsafe Word) a big hug for me!” Which your friend will hear as “CALL 911 NOW!”
This could even go a step further. You might have an “I’m Safe” word. This word would, again, tell your call buddy that you are OK. It’s actually an “Unsafe Word” in reverse. Unless they hear the “I’m Safe” word during your phone call, they know to contact the proper authorities immediately. This would eliminate a forced “I’m OK, everything’s great” message as a way to hide coercion.
If this sounds a bit paranoid, I apologize. I think of safe words and the lot as the BDSM equivalent of fire extinguishers. Odds are you will live your life and never use one. But when you need it…
I take my responsibilities as Leigh’s Sir very fucking seriously. I am very protective of those around me. This includes Peeker™ Nation. I do not want my words on a screen to be the first domino that set off what became, because of poor planing and a lack of common sense, a terrifying experience. Odds are the person to whom who are choosing to submit to will be all that you are looking for.
Not often you will see a Dom beg. I beg this of you. Just be careful, please?