The Unsafe Word

In the shadow cast by a certain neutral hued book series I think its fair to say that BDSM and D/s are not only at an all-time zenith as far as interest but also acceptance. Yes, say what you will about the reason for it, but as I have already gone on record “a rising tide floats all boats.”

But be warned – the waters are deep, dark and below the surface sharks circle, waiting for the schools of “inexperienced yet curious females” to swim with grey colored glasses on right into their waiting jaws.

I have no doubts that various websites devoted to WIITWD are seeing all-time records in memberships. I also have no doubt that the overwhelming majority of the people on these are there for the right reasons.

But, sadly, I also have no doubt that sharks posing as Dominants circle and wait. And flirt. Flatter. Say all the right things. Use the best bait to reel in that cute little inexperienced yet curious fish.

In that I am fortunate enough to have as my wife, soul mate and best friend a D/s BDSM doll to play with I do not have to worry about any of the above. Many whose blogs I Follow are in the same boat (see how I tied this all together, and even used tied to describe my cleverness?) in that they too are married.

But for many they need to actively search for a playmate. Which is fine. I hope all those who are curious and inexperienced can discover, learn, share, enjoy and experience all the beauty of D/s and BDSM.

But not at the price of one single fucking teardrop shed in actual, honest fear. Not worth it.

And I do not mean fear as is being afraid of the unknown that is their true self. Truth be told I wish them a river of release that way. No, what I mean are tears that flow as the result of being fucking afraid for their well being and, sadly, maybe their lives.

Not worth it. Period.

So, for those of you who have accounts on these sites and may be in the midst of a digital exchange that makes you feel alive, an exchange that someday you want to become flesh and blood, in person, in some hotel room over a weekend of lust and perversion, I implore, no beg of you, to PLEASE not just have a safety plan but also this:

An “unsafe word.”

First, your plan. Let’s look at this from the outside. You are about to meet a stranger to whom you are going to offer your body, mind and soul to do with they wish, however they wish. Odds are this will likely involve binding you physically defenseless, sightless and unable to speak.

Think real fucking hard about that last sentence.

You have established in writing what your hard limits are. You’ve also established a safe word to use, which if uttered ends all activities NOW. And for gag play you also have a clear and precise safe hand motion. Leigh and I use pinkies to thumbs.

You have told a dear friend or family member where you are going to be, how long you are going to be there, and established with them that they can either call you or you them at predetermined times to assure your safety and well being. If these calls are not made on time, your call buddy is to contact the local authorities IMMEDIATELY with your location, car make, license plate, etc.

And make sure your Top to be knows about this. If they balk at it, do not go. Simple as that. It’s a hard limit.

I’d even go so far as to ask of the person who is about to Dominate you in person to allow you to snap a cell phone pic of their license plate. If they balk, leave. Now. You are trusting them with your most prized possession – you. If they do not trust you with some simple information, leave. Now. It is all about trust, remember?

And one final thing. Have an “unsafe word”.

Tell your call buddy this word. Make it something very plain, something that could be used in simple conversation, something that would not draw attention. Do NOT tell anyone else. Ever. Only you two know this word.

When you check in via phone you now have a way to convey a 911 message to your friend without drawing attention. Example – make up a child’s name. Perhaps you say “Give (Unsafe Word) a big hug for me!” Which your friend will hear as “CALL 911 NOW!”

This could even go a step further. You might have an “I’m Safe” word. This word would, again, tell your call buddy that you are OK. It’s actually an “Unsafe Word” in reverse. Unless they hear the “I’m Safe” word during your phone call, they know to contact the proper authorities immediately. This would eliminate a forced “I’m OK, everything’s great” message as a way to hide coercion.

If this sounds a bit paranoid, I apologize. I think of safe words and the lot as the BDSM equivalent of fire extinguishers. Odds are you will live your life and never use one. But when you need it…

I take my responsibilities as Leigh’s Sir very fucking seriously. I am very protective of those around me. This includes Peeker™ Nation. I do not want my words on a screen to be the first domino that set off what became, because of poor planing and a lack of common sense, a terrifying experience. Odds are the person to whom who are choosing to submit to will be all that you are looking for.

Not often you will see a Dom beg. I beg this of you. Just be careful, please?

– Scot

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35 responses to “The Unsafe Word

  1. First of all, this is absolutely fucking serious. Thank you for putting this information out there for anyone who reads this. It’s important.

    Second of all, after nodding along seriously, I smiled and went, “awww”. Because it really is nice to see you care about your Peekers that much. It makes me feel warm, and know someone who will likely never meet me, cares that much about me, like a close friend. 🙂

  2. Scot – this post is powerful and extremely well said. I’m lucky to have significant persons in my life to help me with my next selection of Dom, but the truth is, you’re never so experienced in bdsm that carelessness is excusable. Thank you for this reminder. I love you and Leigh and your blog. xoxo

  3. I have the same concern for other sub friends who are blogging about meeting a new dom for the first time. Your suggestion/begging of a unsafe word, a snapshot of the license plate, and pre-set phonecalls are very crucial safety tips to me too. Thank you for concerning about us peekers, Scot. I’m going to retweet this endlessly.

  4. Great advice. I really hope at least one person sees it and takes this advice. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

  5. Well said, with all the new people joining the lifestyle after that book it always need repeating.

    I tell my friends those rules even if they going on a normal “vanilla” first dates; don’t care how them first started chatting, don’t care if that first date is dinner in busy place I ask them to send me a text before the main course. I like to know my friends are safe.

  6. Love this! I do all these things, but I never thought of the unsafe word phrase….brilliant! I am excited to be meeting my potential Sir in a few weeks so stay tuned. Of course he lives 4 hours away….but….sigh. Long distance relationships suck.

  7. Pingback: Safety, safety, safety « A Butterfly's Joy

  8. This is such an important post. Before I actually met Sir in person (and at that point the D/s aspect had not yet made an appearance), we had spent hundreds of hours and months talking in various ways. Even then, there were people who knew exactly where I would be, I had GPS activated on every device I own, and a couple of people who knew if I did not contact them at certain times, it was time to alert someone. It had nothing to do with thinking ill of Sir. It had to do with caring enough about myself as myself and as the mother of my children to make CERTAIN I would be as safe as possible. I have quite a few thoughts on this after encountering a “wanna be” about a year or so ago….I might just blog a warning as well.

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  10. Reblogged this on Unraveling MaríMar and commented:
    Continuing with my safety theme this is a must not for just a sub meeting their Dom for the first time but when meeting anyone. I did this myself when I met C.J. I talked to a friend all the way there (I was nervous and so excited) and then she called me 3 hours later (we also had an “unsafe word”. After I was safe at home I texted her that I was home. This was all done becuase I didn’t trust my Sir because I did but we are only human and we can make mistakes.
    Be safe and do as The Dom Next Door says.

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