An Open Letter To The Frustrated Submissive Wife

We are humbled beyond words to receive email from all of you. It really means a lot to us. The fact that you think our kinky .02 is question worthy is truly amazing. We are, by no stretch of any imagination, well versed in any aspect of WIITWD. We are learning, step by step, along the way. Side by side, hand in cuff, as I like to say.

So when we are asked something we try our best to be as honest as we can, but also respect all those for whom BDSM is literally a way of life and have devoted decades of their lives to learning, practicing, teaching and sharing it. That is not to say we blindly agree with all we read. A lot of it are pearls of wisdom, some of it the week old oyster carcass it came from. Experience does not always equate to knowledge. If it smells rotten…

The overwhelming #1 topic we either receive inquires on or seem to chance upon is the following scenario:

The woman in a long-time, established, often married relationship wants her guy to become her Sir, and he either wants no part of it, is extremely confused, reluctant and often repulsed. What to do?

I have no doubts that a certain best-selling book that those in the lifestyle are repulsed by in its lack of reality is a player in this. I also have little doubt that, as a result, there are going to be a lot of either extremely frustrated wives or, worse, women who have very bad BDSM experiences.

In the little circle of perverts that are the collected minions we call Peekers™ are a number of married couples who have embraced D/s and BDSM into aspects of their relationships. To a letter (or maybe four letters) the results have been nothing short of incredible, if not borderline miraculous, on how what transpires when Mr. and Mrs. become Mister and miss regenerates their union.

Communication flows. Interest is reborn. Passion rekindles, no, infernos. They flirt. Talk. Laugh. Hold hands again. Other aspects of their lives improve exponentially. Love grows stronger. Often they become healthier via diet and exercise. And all because they trust one another enough to embrace D/s in many forms, BDSM typically the main manifestation.

I’m not aware of other blogs where the Dominant married partner is both male and the primary blogger. Perhaps that is what makes TDND™ so unique to many of you. Or you could just like reading naughty stories.

So I offer to you, yes you Frustrated Submissive Wife, the following. This is an actual email Leigh and I received. With the submitter’s (heh) permission I am sharing it and my/our reply with you. Her identity is not important, and I promised 100% anonymity. Hopefully you may find a pearl in its words to start your own necklace (you KNEW I had to say something like that).

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I’m asking this personally. I would like your and/or Leigh’s feedback. I’m married. I’m talking to my husband about him being in control in the bedroom. I’m having a difficult time getting him to open up and be specific about his wants. He just says that he loves me and will do anything I want. I see that as me still being in control. What else can I do?


This seems to be a common thread/issue. You’re not alone. Leigh & I started years ago with me in primarily the submissive role. It was only through years of playing with BDSM and D/s that we discovered her own hidden submissive & pain tendencies as well as my passion to Dominant her and inflect good pain on her helpless form.
Yes, you are correct that if he is doing as you wish/ask that, in short, you are Topping from the bottom. However, if you think about it, would you rather have that as opposed to nothing? Asking him to become Him overnight is not as easy as you think.
I wrestled with this same issue when Leigh & I began to explore D/s and BDSM. How do I intentionally hurt the one woman I love more than any other? Why does she want me to?  I vividly remember my being mortified at the welts roadmapping her ass the first time we really explored spanking. But I also remember having to deal with my own inner demons that, being honest with myself, I loved it and also got off on doing it. That dichotomy is a bitter pill the first time you look at yourself in the mirror and not recognize who is looking back when you swallow (heh).
This personal connection is also fueled by what contemporary society has engrained in men- to treat, respect and think of women as their peers, equals, hell superiors, which I fully agree with. Suddenly ignoring decades of socio-programming is also very difficult for a 21st century guy. To be able to throw a switch (bad BDSM joke) and go from equal partner on life’s journey with one’s soulmate to a cold, selfish, sadistic bastard is not something you just decide to do. It takes time, communication, energy, honesty, practice, love, understanding, a sense of humor and above all trust.
Most couples start with simple blindfolds and hand tying. Yes, I know it’s not what you crave, but it’s also a step in the right direction. I always use the analogy of tempering steel. Heat it too quickly and hot it’s as fragile and brittle as old bones. Heated too slowly and cool it the same its soft and dull. But a slow, steady heat to a blistering, cherry hot glow, then cooled properly it becomes one of the strongest elements on Earth.
The two of you are starting a sojourn. So what if you take the point on the first leg? The 1000 mile journey always starts with a single step. Show him the ropes (heh) and see if he “gets it” and turns into He.
Each submissive and Dominant are different, so I am loath to give any specific advice. What works for Leigh & I may not work for you and your husband. Be patient. Crawl before you walk, walk before you run.
I hope this helps.

10 responses to “An Open Letter To The Frustrated Submissive Wife

  1. It’s the most common note I get, too. :/ Makes me sad sometimes. But happy, in a way, because some live vicariously through my characters.

  2. Reading this makes me realize how lucky I am. My husband jumped right on the bandwagon, no problem. More sex? Rough sex? Where do I sign up?

    We are very, very new at this, but I would think that for a new Dom, it’s a lot of pressure to just be handed control of someone’s sexuality all at once. Suddenly, his mate is telling him she wants this new thing he knows nothing about and is probably scared of, but he feels a duty to please her because that’s been his duty up to this point. Somewhere in there, whether she intends it or not, he might be hearing that she’s dissatisfied with him. Which brings everything back to the most fundamental rule – communicate, communicate, communicate.

    In our house, since this was my idea in the first place, I often share scenes I envision and then, once we’re behind closed doors, give over total control. This has helped give my husband a picture of what I really want from him and has given him permission, or maybe reassurance is a better word, to be plenty vocal and plenty rough. If that’s topping from the bottom, then so be it. It’s fun either way and a comfortable starting point, and we both like it.

    Just a newbie’s two cents.

  3. Fuck, rewind three months, and this could have been me writing this… My points of advice… Make it clear what you want. I hinted to M and often beat around the bush. I’d talk about topping, I tied restraints to the headboard, but I never came out and said, “Honey, I think I’m a sub, and I need (because I believe it is past the point of want) you to man up and fuck me like you own me.” When it all finally came out, I had the benefit of LSAM for him to read, which detailed much of my desires… Anyway, communication, clear communication is key. And it takes time. I remember M saying, “you’ve been thinking about this for a long time… it was all just thrown across my lap (hehe).” Butt, oh, my Sir learned quickly…

    • @LS&M wrote, “I remember M saying, “you’ve been thinking about this for a long time… it was all just thrown across my lap (hehe).” Butt, oh, my Sir learned quickly…”

      I had Himself read this and he said, “THAT sounds familiar.” LOL.

  4. I never had the chance in my (now dead) marriage to explore this side. But I agree totally that a) that fucking book you talk about…if one more person who knows I have a dark side asks me if I’ve read it I will scream and b) the D/s relationship goes way deeper than vanilla and if people would just figure that out their relationships would be what they’ve always dreamed of but never knew existed. The level of trust and communication that I know it takes (which, again, sounds presumptuous on my part as an inexperienced “newbie”) goes way beyond what most people in relationships are willing to invest. I feel it, know intrinsically what is needed, and know why I may choose to be alone forever if my Sir does not find me. I simply cannot have a regular relationship…kinky sex aside…handing myself over to someone so completely remains my choice, my vision, and those who don’t understand this lifestyle keep shaking their head and wanting me to sign up for therapy.

    They don’t get that the D/s relationship IS my therapy…it is what will take me where I want to end up….on my knees and happy to be there. I am loving Your blog….

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