Building Pyramids Upside Down

This is likely to piss some people off….

In my efforts to learn more about BDSM and D/s I read a lot. Typically its the work of either Dominants or submissives in blog form or websites dedicated to the genre. I do not, have not and will never use sites like Fetlife or Alt. I have no fucking desire to do so. The sole and main reason for this is simple:

I am not looking for anyone or Anyone.

I’ve found, as so many of the articles and posts I’ve read refer to, “the perfect sub” in my doll Leigh. The fact she is my soul mate and wife is a testament to that. So to use sites like those serves me no purpose. I’m not interested in munching anything except the deliciousness between Leigh’s thighs, or having yet another social network to feed.

To those of you who use those sites I have nothing against you or your reasons. BDSM existed quite well before the Internet. Having to create an account to access opinion? No thanks.

I know, again from reading a number of blogs, that the aforementioned Daily Double is not always the case. Many blog about being in permanent relationships that are vanilla. Others blog about being in a series of kinky escapades but have no one to call their own.

So yeah, I’m fucking lucky as hell.

I’ve often felt frustrated reading blogs by others for varying reasons of the above. So many times, when I read admittedly very articulate and well crafted posts about everything that goes into a proper, healthy, respectful D/s relationship, you know what I find the most often?

That everyone spends a great deal of time talking about everything that comes from, is desired to be obtained, or will naturally occur as a D/s relationship grows. Of course Trust is a main issue, as is Respect. Care, Concern, Time, etc. And they should be talked about! I’m glad to see them mentioned repeatedly. It’s reassuring to me that they’re not in it for the beatings and sex. But often they come almost as warnings, things to be expected along with the subspace and power exchanges. That yes, the relationship goes far beyond what is typically assumed by society.

But I have all of that already. In spades. And hearts. Cost me a diamond. And I don’t want to join a club.

Leigh and I are going through a second courtship, refalling in love. Things have never been better as a result of everything that has come about as a result of exploring a D/s relationship behind the bedroom door.

I’m having an affair with my wife and its fucking amazing.

Yet everywhere I look, it seems Tops and subs are putting the cart before the horse, if you will.

Leigh and I are topping (heh) a pyramid on a strong foundation of many years of knowing each other, and everything that comes with that. We are adding defined D/s with BDSM as a pinnacle to our commitment to one another, a Testament to our Love, Trust, Respect, Communication, Honesty, etc.

But most Dominants and submissives I have chanced across are doing the opposite. They start with BDSM, then build and add the Trust, etc to it. It all branches out from that D/s dynamic. So instead of spending years building a wide, solid base of emotional connection, they start with WIITWD.

Is that wrong? No. Totally fine with me. If they can achieve harmony and grow in that regard, more power exchange to em’. But as everything else gets added that upside down pyramid can grow pretty unstable in that, again, it was founded on BDSM. It all comes back to that.

I can remove D/s and BDSM from my relationship with Leigh and still have so much to share with her for the rest of our lives. But can the same be said for a collared D/s couple who met as a result of that interest? I doubt it.

I do not pretend to know everything about BDSM and the D/s dynamic. Far, far from it. It’s just odd to, apparently, have to learn about it from the inside out, upside down and in reverse of what appears to be the norm.

– Scot

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24 responses to “Building Pyramids Upside Down

  1. Excellent post. In fact the exact reason I started blogging was because I was confounded by people who launched into BDSM without building that solid foundation of trust and regard for each other first.

    There was an excellent post a long time ago on Domination Diary about what he called “sub-frenzy” .. the need to submit was so frenetic that they just jumped with both feet rather than taking the time to lay the necessary foundation.

    All the best… GC

    • Thank you Gillian. Again, I am not against those who start out as purely BDSM from the get go. But it just occurred to me, blog after web page, how opposite those of us who add BDSM instead of start with BDSM really are.

      There are a few blogs on here with similar dynamics. There are many that aren’t. TETO.

    • Thank you so much! These blog awards mean a great deal to Leigh & I in that it’s a small confirmation that sharing WIITWD is worthwhile to others and that maybe we all might learn something on the journey.

  2. It is what I admire with you and Leigh. You are not into just what BDSM but your relationship has rooted far more than that. Reading about how much you adore and love her as your wife, mistress, companion, submissive and muse is what I love about visiting your blog. This is what makes you different from others.

    I know I’ve said this a lot of times but… YOU’RE SO LUCKY TO FIND LOVE AND LUST IN EACH OTHER’S ARMS. 🙂

  3. This is one of the reasons I find your blog interesting.

    I’m the opposite; I know what I want sexually, and I don’t want to put energy into the base if I know that eventually things won’t be compatible in the bedroom. I’ve done that and it’s annoying. To me.

    But obviously I look at other aspects of people as well. I’m also more… hmm… how to say it… I don’t mind playing around with people who I know I’m ultimately incompatible with. I separate BDSM play from romantic relationships fairly easily in my head. Sometimes the two might mingle. 🙂

    • I’m glad you find TDND™ interesting! We love to hear from all of you. It stokes the fires to burn hotter for more posts for all of you perverted minions.

      What you do is completely fine and I have absolutely no issue with your approach, nor the approach of others who share this vantage point. It was merely an observation on my part, and I think its a fair one. Think of all the outside the dynamic emotions/etc that likely develop and grow as a result of a mutually agreed BDSM relationship. That all weighs down on one focused point – the BDSM. Thats a lot of added pressure, and it only grows with the bond that develops. It could very easily topple upon its own critical mass. But the same relationship in reverse does not have that.

      TETO…

  4. Pingback: 30 Days of Kink: Day 13 | Sadey Quinn

  5. I see why you suggested I read this after my comment elsewhere. It does explain things very clearly. Thanks.

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