This is likely to piss some people off….
In my efforts to learn more about BDSM and D/s I read a lot. Typically its the work of either Dominants or submissives in blog form or websites dedicated to the genre. I do not, have not and will never use sites like Fetlife or Alt. I have no fucking desire to do so. The sole and main reason for this is simple:
I am not looking for anyone or Anyone.
I’ve found, as so many of the articles and posts I’ve read refer to, “the perfect sub” in my doll Leigh. The fact she is my soul mate and wife is a testament to that. So to use sites like those serves me no purpose. I’m not interested in munching anything except the deliciousness between Leigh’s thighs, or having yet another social network to feed.
To those of you who use those sites I have nothing against you or your reasons. BDSM existed quite well before the Internet. Having to create an account to access opinion? No thanks.
I know, again from reading a number of blogs, that the aforementioned Daily Double is not always the case. Many blog about being in permanent relationships that are vanilla. Others blog about being in a series of kinky escapades but have no one to call their own.
So yeah, I’m fucking lucky as hell.
I’ve often felt frustrated reading blogs by others for varying reasons of the above. So many times, when I read admittedly very articulate and well crafted posts about everything that goes into a proper, healthy, respectful D/s relationship, you know what I find the most often?
That everyone spends a great deal of time talking about everything that comes from, is desired to be obtained, or will naturally occur as a D/s relationship grows. Of course Trust is a main issue, as is Respect. Care, Concern, Time, etc. And they should be talked about! I’m glad to see them mentioned repeatedly. It’s reassuring to me that they’re not in it for the beatings and sex. But often they come almost as warnings, things to be expected along with the subspace and power exchanges. That yes, the relationship goes far beyond what is typically assumed by society.
But I have all of that already. In spades. And hearts. Cost me a diamond. And I don’t want to join a club.
Leigh and I are going through a second courtship, refalling in love. Things have never been better as a result of everything that has come about as a result of exploring a D/s relationship behind the bedroom door.
I’m having an affair with my wife and its fucking amazing.
Yet everywhere I look, it seems Tops and subs are putting the cart before the horse, if you will.
Leigh and I are topping (heh) a pyramid on a strong foundation of many years of knowing each other, and everything that comes with that. We are adding defined D/s with BDSM as a pinnacle to our commitment to one another, a Testament to our Love, Trust, Respect, Communication, Honesty, etc.
But most Dominants and submissives I have chanced across are doing the opposite. They start with BDSM, then build and add the Trust, etc to it. It all branches out from that D/s dynamic. So instead of spending years building a wide, solid base of emotional connection, they start with WIITWD.
Is that wrong? No. Totally fine with me. If they can achieve harmony and grow in that regard, more power exchange to em’. But as everything else gets added that upside down pyramid can grow pretty unstable in that, again, it was founded on BDSM. It all comes back to that.
I can remove D/s and BDSM from my relationship with Leigh and still have so much to share with her for the rest of our lives. But can the same be said for a collared D/s couple who met as a result of that interest? I doubt it.
I do not pretend to know everything about BDSM and the D/s dynamic. Far, far from it. It’s just odd to, apparently, have to learn about it from the inside out, upside down and in reverse of what appears to be the norm.