Safety Dance

Aside : my personal .02 on a volatile subject. Your milage may vary. TETO (To Each Their Own)


The most powerful word in the BDSM lifestyle. Nothing else even comes close. Actually, no other sexual perversion or act approaches the fucking power it has. It is the Alpha and the Omega of BDSM, the Beginning of the End.

It is a reminder that the submissive always has ALL the power in a scene. Reread that prior sentence. If you take nothing else from my musings today, please remember that. A Dom can do unspeakable things to them, with them, on them, in them, for them, but in the end one little word controls it all. One syllable, three letters. And they are the property of the one who is not holding a flogger.

Now, not all Tops & bottoms use the “Traffic Signal” safewords of Red and Yellow. Oh, you don’t know what a safe word is? My apologies. From Wikipedia:

“A safeword is a code word or series of code words that are sometimes used in BDSM for a submissive (or “bottom”) to unambiguously communicate their physical or emotional state to a Dominant (or “Top”), typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary. Some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity. Safewords are usually agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants, and many organized BDSM groups have standard safe words that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.”

Its important to note that safewords should never be words such as “No” or “Stop” or “Please” or “Don’t” or the like. Those, aside from simply being too easy, are also often words that can and are used within a scene’s dynamic as part of the play. A submissive wants to verbally plead and beg for mercy, for the cruelalities (I just made that word up….kinda like it) to stop. Its part of the play, an improvisational script of lust. To use them as safewords would be folly. This is why safewords should always be something that would not normally come up in conversation, let alone begging to not be whipped anymore. I admit to using the word “carrot” as a safeword, as an example. Luckily I’ve never been in any bondage scenes involving rabbits or set in the Produce Aisle.

I must confess I am not a world class Dominant. Far from it to be blunt. There are hundreds of thousand, if not millions, of people who are far more experienced and versed in the BDSM lifestyle than I. I admire their dedication to it, their education in it, their vast experience as well as the financial investment in scenery and toys. I know, deep inside, that I am not like that, nor do I have ambitions to be such. I’m The Dom The Door and that’s plenty for me.

That said, it has come to my attention that there is a section of this community that firmly believes in the disallowing of safewords. That one cannot be truly 100% submissive if safewords exist. They practice their craft without a net, if you will.

To this I say:

Are you fucking kidding me? Really?

Before ANY scene, regardless of the simplicity or intricacy of play, safewords are, to me, the de facto first thing established. This allows the submissive to let the Dominant know, without breaking character, how they are at that moment. They can let them know that what they are doing is either bordering on hard limits (agreed upon perimeters of play) or, if needed, have either crossed them or in the case of physical activity such as restraint that they are in danger. They can still beg and plead and cry to their heart’s content as part of the scene, but have the ability to either pump the brakes or slam them on at a moment’s notice.

To me, this makes perfect sense. The whole dynamic of D/s play is the power exchange. Its the reason behind WIITWD (What It Is That We Do). The key here is exchange. Its not one sided. It is a flow, a trade, the most beautiful dance I’ve ever been privy to sharing on a floor with another. The submissive offers their Trust to the Dominant in return for the privilege to do whatever the fuck I want to do to them. The key here is privilege.

This is where I get pissed off about not allowing the use of safewords.

In my humble opinion, to hide behind this paper veil of strength is nothing short of being a playground bully. End of story. How fucking dare you insist that they not be allowed to use safewords! Who the fuck are you? What are you hiding from? Are you so fucking confidant in your abilities as a Top to disregard Rule #1 of BDSM play? Or maybe its you are NOT so fucking confidant in your abilities as a Top to disregard Rule #1 of BDSM play so you eliminate any challenge to the exposure of your supposed authority and knowledge?

I just don’t get it…..seriously.

My offer to any Dom who worships at the Church of No Safewords:

Allow me to offer you a safeword. Then allow me to do with you as I please, no, as my submissive pleases. Any respectable Dom would never ask of a lowly submissive that which they could not handle themselves. To do so would be, by logic, acknowledging their submissive as superior to them, correct?

You are the powerful one, right? Or is your submissive stronger than you? Through their submission, are they Dominating your scene? You are all powerful! You don’t allow safewords! How dare they Top you through total submission!

Remember kids, its a power exchange. Ying and Yang. Positive and Negative. Alpha and Omega. Its two way traffic. Make sure both lanes are open when you play in it.

– Scot


12 responses to “Safety Dance

  1. Enjoying this read through; love seeing this perspective. It seems to be becoming more and more rare. Excellent post. Cheers. :]

  2. Excellente! I’ve always felt that the submissive has just as much power within the exchange and that is ignored. It is my personal contention that the submissive, by nature, must be a very strong individual in order to submit but are so often mistaken for weak.

    Again, excellent post.

  3. Scot,

    I was sent to your blog via a friend of mine who I would also consider a “Dom Next Door”. He is a very good friend (as is his wife) and being the open-minded, somewhat pervy person that I am (all right a lot pervy) they feel comfortable discussing certain aspects of their D/s relationship. Including the use of safewords. For the record, he feels the same way you do.

    I don’t want to detract from the seriousness of your post, but I will admit to almost uncontrollable laughter when I got to the part about using “carrot” as a safe word. I will now add that to the list along with pineapple and kiwi as produce I will never look at the same way again.

    Thank you for sharing.

  4. Sigh. The grocery store is starting to get smaller and smaller with all of the areas I have to avoid because I will look like a lunatic laughing at produce and getting turned on in frozen foods (long story).

    If someone writes something smutty about canned goods I may starve!

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